I wrote this one-scene skit for my daughter and two of her friends when she was devastated to learn that, for her first role, she had been cast as “Cecil the Slithering Sir” in a church-produced version of “The Little Mermaid.” I thought it might cheer her up. If you have a nine-year-old budding performer with a penchant for Greek mythology, feel free to use it.
Cast
Venus – Beautiful
Athena – Smart
Diana – Talented
All three – Jealous of each other, superior attitude towards others
Scene: Morning. Diana, Aphrodite and Athena are standing in front of Mt. Olympus High School
Diana: Veen, Mom told you to make sure you wore a toga that covers both shoulders. The school has a dress code, you know.
Venus: When I left the house, it did cover both shoulders. I can’t help it if some jealous sister tore one of the sides to get me in trouble with Mom.
Diana: I didn’t do anything!
Athena: Don’t worry, Diana. Mom’s not going to believe it for a second. She knows Venus’ tricks.
Venus: Oh, you think you’re so smart Athena. But you’re not very smart if you think the boys will give you a second look in that outfit.
Athena: As if I care what boys think of my fashion sense. I’ve got far more important things to worry about. Like how are we going to finally win that stupid Trojan War? It’s been almost ten years and the troops are ready to give up. I’ve been wracking my brain, but I can’t come up with anything. (Pause) For some reason, I keep having this vision of a giant horse. But why? Why a horse? Why not an elephant, or a bear, or a kitten? Everyone loves kittens . . . (goes into deep thought).
Diana: (ignoring Athena) Why do you waste your time trying to impress boys anyway? Boys are ridiculously stupid and impossibly dull. What could you possibly see in them?
Diana: Are you kidding? There’s sports, for one thing. You think boys are fun? Try beating them at their own games, now that’s fun!
Venus: Of course it’s fun, for you. You’re great at everything you do. You pick up a bow and arrow, and Wham! Bullseye. You pick up a javelin, and Wham! You impale the poor guy who’s supposed to measure how far it went.
Diana: (Annoyed) You know I have to have a target when I throw.
Venus: Whatever. I don’t happen to have that kind of athletic ability. Not that I really mind, though. After they lose, all those poor boys need someone to restore their self-esteem. And I am good at that.
Athena: How? By making them grovel at your feet and worship you?
Venus: Exactly. Somehow it perks them right up. Besides, (flips hair) it makes me feel good to know they love me as much as I love me.
Athena: (to Diana) Classic case of someone who’s rationalizing her obsessive need for approval. It’s so sad. Pathetic, really.
Venus: Leave me alone with your stupid psychotic ideas.
Athena: The term is “psychological.”
Venus: It’s still stupid.
Diana: Hey, don’t look now, but Pericles Alexakis is coming this way. . .
Venus: Perry Alexakis, the captain of the Mt Olympus Graeco-Roman wrestling team? (starts smoothing toga and checking face with a mirror) How do I look?
Athena: We’re in Greece , and Rome
Diana: Ooh, wait, I just remembered! Electra said she overheard Perry bragging that he could beat me in wrestling! I’m going to settle this right now! (leaves stage right)
Venus (in horror): What is she doing? He was coming to see me! He was going to ask me out, I just know it!
(Athena and Venus look off stage right)
(Pause)
Athena: Well, it looks like Diana is challenging Perry to a wrestling match, but Perry is trying to politely refuse. (Pause) Now he’s backing up, like he’s just seen a ghost! (Pause) Now he’s trying to run away. Wow, he’s fast! Good footwork, too.
Venus (covering face): I can’t watch!
(Pause)
Athena: Uh-oh, there she goes. (Frowns) She’s done it again. You know, she ought to get some therapy for that temper of hers.
Venus: What did she do to him? What did she turn him into? A deer, so she can hunt him down? A horse? A cow? Please tell me she didn’t turn him into another pig . . .
Athena: He’s a pig. (Continues to follow Perry). You know, he’s not a bad-looking pig. Still got the footwork, too.
Venus (Starts to sob)
Diana (comes back on stage, rubbing hands the way people do after finishing the job): There, that oughta fix him.
Venus: (still sobbing): He didn’t need fixing. He was perfect the way he was! Why did you have to go and ruin him?
Athena: That did seem a little extreme, even for you.
Diana: You know what Father says. We can’t allow the mortals to disrespect us. You let one mortal do it, and before you know, they’re all doing it.
Athena: How did Porky, I mean Perry, disrespect you?
Diana: He refused my offer to wrestle.
Venus: (still sobbing): That’s not disrespect. He was afraid of you!
Diana: Look, mortals know the rules. When challenged by a god, the proper thing to do is accept the challenge, do the best you can to make it look like you’re trying to win, but make sure you lose, and then beg, beg, beg for your life. If everyone follows the rules, then no one gets hurt.
Athena: Wait a second. I’ve seen a few times when you’ve zapped mortals even though they followed all those rules.
Diana: Rules, schmules. I’m a god. I’m not going to be confined by a bunch of silly rules.
Venus: (angry) You’re an animal! A beast! You’re . . . inhuman!
Diana: First, thank you for the compliment. I am inhuman. Second, the only animal I see around here is Porky.
(Athena giggles)
Venus: OH! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you both!!! (storms off the stage)
Diana and Athena look at one another and say in unison: “Drama queen!”
End of skit
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