As I was reading up on ways to attract new readers to the blog, I learned that people love Top Ten lists. In fact, many successful bloggers say that Top Ten lists are one of the best ways to help increase the popularity of your blog. Normally, I would disdain such heavy-handed and blatantly manipulative tactics as beneath me. However, I also felt like I shouldn’t rule anything out until I tried it. So, I thought for a while about the kind of Top Ten list I would write. A few years back, “You might be a redneck” jokes were very popular, thanks to Jeff Foxworthy. I thought I might try to bring them back, so I started a Top Ten list of “Ways to Know You’re a Redneck.” This is what I came up with:
10 Your driveway has more grass growing in it than your yard.
That’s as far as I got.
Then I remembered the old advice that says you should write about what you know.
Introducing the first ever thunderstrokes Top Ten list:
Top Ten Signs That Your Kids Are Addicted to Pixar Movies
10 Your two-year-old daughter makes you stop so she can check every orange construction cone you come across to make sure Buzz isn’t under it. Toy Story 2
9 You discover that, at three years old, your oldest daughter has a flair for the dramatic when she walks into the living room one day and says, “Die! Die! Die!” while making a series of Shatner-esque gestures before falling to the floor. It is only later you realize that she was re-enacting Dot’s stage performance in A Bug’s Life.
8 At four years old, your daughter only wants to dress up as Buzz Lightyear for Halloween. At eight, Buzz Lightyear is the only character she will take a picture with at
7 You’re at the grocery store, and your two-year-old daughter randomly starts to yell, in front of a bunch of startled shoppers, “This is not . . . about . . . YOU!!!” It’s her favorite line from The Incredibles, but you just can’t force people to stop while you try to explain that to them. I’ve tried. They just run faster.
6 Your two-year-old laughs so hard you think she might have swallowed her tongue whenever you say “Wood-EEEE!” the way Jessie does in Toy Story 2.
5 Your authority as a parent has been completely undermined by that the goofy bird in Up named Kevin, because that happens to be your name, and for several months after seeing the movie, your then seven-year-old daughter can’t even look at you without cracking up. Worse, the more you threaten her, the harder she laughs.
4 Your two-year-old now refers to your 80-pound black Lab as “Kitty!” Monsters, Inc.
3 Your wife and oldest daughter think it’s hilarious to imitate Dory when she says, “You’re on a diii-et!” in Finding Nemo. Until, that is, your wife joins Weight Watchers. Then, when that same daughter comes up behind her one day while she’s standing at the fridge, and surprises her with a chorus of “You’re on a diii-et!”, for some reason your wife no longer finds it amusing at all.
2 Every time a Disney movie starts your two-year-old says, “Look! Look! It’s Woody’s castle!” Toy Story
1 Your daughters’ toys all have “Andy” written on the bottom. Toy Story
For the record, all of these things actually happened, with the exception of the last one.