
Jessica: So, Dad, is
going on a date really scary?
Me: Horribly,
terribly, ginormously scary.
Jessica: Boys are that bad?
Me: Rotten, evil,
scary, stinky monsters.
Jessica: Is going on
a date scarier than Splash
Mountain ?
Me: Way scarier.
Jessica: Is it worse
than Thunder Mountain Railroad?
Me: I don’t even have
words to describe how much scarier dating is than Thunder Mountain Railroad.
Jessica: Worse even than Space Mountain ? Space
Mountain is that one that
goes in the dark, right, Dad?
Me: Yes. Listen to me.
Going on a date with a boy is scarier than all the mountains in Disneyland
put together, even if you had Freddy Krueger sitting next to you, and
Leatherface and Jason behind you, and the ride broke down, and you were all
alone, stuck there for hours; well, it wouldn’t be for hours…
Jessica: Who are they, Dad?
Me: Who?
Jessica: Freddy
Krueger, and Jason, and the other one you said.
Me: They’re all boys,
sweetie. Exactly the kind of people you
don’t want to know.
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Hello Freddy! Well, I didn't want to scare her too much! |

Because of our new-found interest in Harry Potter, a few
days ago we checked out the Universal Studios website to see what the Wizarding World of Harry Potter looks
like. Shortly after that, I read a news
story announcing that Disney and James Cameron have agreed to build some kind
of theme park experience based on the blockbuster Avatar.
That got me thinking.
What movies would I want to see turned into a theme park?

How about a Charlie
and the Chocolate Factory theme park?
Or Chronicles of Narnia? Wizard
of Oz? Jurassic Park ? I know Elizabeth
would kill to have a Jane Austen theme park.
Jessica suggested a Greek mythology theme park, which I thought was an
awesome idea.
But there is one obvious candidate that rises above all
others in my mind...
At some point,
there has to be a Star Wars theme
park, doesn’t there? My God, Lucas has
marketed the crap out of every other category of movie tie-ins, and probably even
invented a few new ones to exploit. Why
not a theme park? Please, don’t try to
tell me that one measly Disney flight simulator ride is enough to even
sufficiently scratch the surface of the Star
Wars universe.

Do you know how many Clone Troopers and Jedi Knights I saw
wandering the streets at Halloween this year?
I don’t either, but it was a bunch.
I’m sure you saw some too. This
is 2011, thirty-four years after the
first movie came out. I’ve played
through the Lego Star Wars video games with my older daughter, and my other daughter
has already developed a love/hate relationship with Darth Vader, not to mention
wanting to dress up as a stormtrooper this year, and she’s not even three years
old. The Star Wars story taps into something eternal and archetypal in human
nature, just as surely as any fairy tale does. And no one here needs reminding
that the Disney empire (no pun intended) was itself founded upon fairy
tales.
With the continuing advances in the realms of 3D, CGI, and
virtual reality, I think it will soon be possible to construct a new kind of
theme park that utilizes these technologies to bring many worlds to life in a
much more cost effective manner than physically having to build them. I just don’t want to be 73 years old when I
finally get to wander the dusty streets of Mos Eisley, evading stormtroopers
and looking for docking bay 94.
Just for giggles, I googled “star wars theme park.” Not
surprisingly, I discovered that I am not alone in my passion for this
idea. There is a whole subset of Star Wars nuts out there who have
already devoted a great deal of time and thought to the concept, and to imagining
what such a place might look like, and what it might contain. Most of these, while well-intentioned and
energetic, clearly lack in the areas of engineering and logistical feasibility;
they are dreams, and as such are under no obligation to conform to the demands
of reality. But I did find one, created
by a passionate French or French Canadian fan (the site is in English and
French, with some of the English getting a little lost in translation), which intrigued me
because of its attention to detail and its imaginative scope.
Oddly, I had never given much thought to specifically what a
Star Wars theme park would or should
look like; however, thanks to this blog called Star Wars Resort, I don’t have to. It represents a more thoughtful, more creative
and complete vision of a Star Wars
theme park than I probably could have come up with had I tried. It is
based on a conventional theme park model (with attractions, rides, shows,
shops, restaurants, lodging, etc.) a la Disneyland ,
using existing technology. And it makes
you realize that there’s no reason why there couldn’t be a Star Wars theme park
right now, and how exciting and kick-butt it could be. Lucas could do a lot worse than to use the Star Wars Resort blog as a conceptual
blueprint.
As a recovering member of SWA’s (Star Wars Anonymous’)
twelve step program (yes, George Lucas, you finally convinced me it was time to
stop obsessing), I can tell you that it’s a great place to go when you’re ready
for a relapse.
I’d describe the contents in more detail, but honestly, this
compendium of hypothetical contemplation deserves to be perused and enjoyed on its
own. Go ahead, give it a click; I’ll leave
the ol’ moisture farm’s porch light droid on while you’re gone…
Now that you’re back, what theme park would you love to see
become a reality? Let’s not limit ourselves. Is there a movie, book, TV series, video
game, or other creation of the imagination that you would be willing to pay Disneyland prices to spend a day or more?
By the way, a one-day ticket to Disneyland
is currently $105 (park hopper Disneyland/California Adventure).
With that in mind, what theme parks of your dreams would be worth that price of admission?
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